Dear fellow residents,
Unfortunately, it seems that the old adage holds true: those who fail to learn from history really are doomed to repeat it. We are falling into the footsteps of our forefathers, walking the well-worn path, dancing to the beat of an age-old drum—okay, that one’s kind of weak. Hopefully, you’ve gotten the point by now because I’ve already run out of amazingly awesome alliterative analogies.
I am, of course, talking about the greatest issue ever to plague Sampson Hall: burnt popcorn.
It is no secret that Sampson residents have a history of burning popcorn. I’ve heard different totals from different people, but it seems that last year, no less than 10 fire alarms were caused by the ritual sacrifice of popcorn. While we are nowhere near as bad this year, I am seeing some dangerous signs.
A quiet first semester gave me false hope that I’d only ever hear the sweet, dulcet blares of the fire alarm during pre-planned drills, but alas, it was not so. In the span of one week, two alarms were caused by these buttery explosions. Even worse, both of these incidents happened on my own floor. It is a source of deep shame for me, worsened by the constant reminder that is the empty space on our common room counter where the poor, innocent microwave used to rest — a microwave taken away from us too soon by the reckless hands of inattentive snackers.
To do my part in the war against this snack-turned-smoke bomb, I have conducted some experiments. Rigorous testing has led me to conclude that the optimal time for popcorn mini bags is 1 minute, while the sweet spot for regular-sized popcorn bags hovers around 1 minutes and 40 seconds. And as we all should know, no popcorn should be left in the microwave unattended, and it’s best to stop the popcorn’s ride on its infernal merry-go-round whenever the popping slows to approximately 2-3 seconds between pops.
If we fail to follow these guidelines, then I see no other course of action besides a campus-wide ban on popcorn. Now don’t get me wrong; I in no way support this. I love the stuff. I used to have what some would call an unhealthy addiction to popcorn before my cursed braces. However, if we are unable to stop these microwave mishaps, then the powers that be might consider this drastic change necessary.
Consider this a word of warning. I have faith in you all. Please, for the love of all that is good and buttery, sit, listen, and do NOT walk away from your popcorn.
Sincerely,
A concerned resident